đź“Ś Personal Journal Disclaimer
This is a personal reflection published under Pax Trail.
You may read and resonate with it, but please do not republish, quote, reference, or analyze this content publicly without written permission from the author, Thosyn Pax.
This space is a digital journal, not a media or content outlet.
One thing people don’t really talk about as a kingdom financier, a breadwinner, a “go-to person”… is that sometimes you’ll have money, but it’s not really your money.
You’ll see money sitting in your account and still tell yourself, “don’t touch it,” because it’s not for you, it’s for something bigger. Every week, you’re thinking about how to meet up with the next MRR. You’re spending a lot on marketing, taking risks, doing things that even scare you, just to make it work. You stay up late trying to get things back on track. You send DMs, emails, proposals… and still get “no” or no response at all.
From the outside, it looks like you’re okay. But inside, you’re carrying a lot, figuring things out as you go, and trusting God through it all. It’s not always convenient. It’s not always comfortable, but you still show up.
That’s the part people don’t see.
This year, I had planned not to work overnight anymore. Just do a proper 9 to 5 and then a 5 to 9. Later, reality kicked in and it became 9 to 5 and 5 to midnight. Even that still didn’t feel like enough. There’s always something to fix, something to push, something to chase. At some point, you almost feel like giving up, but then you remember you had time to give up before and you didn’t. Now you’re already too deep in it, you’re all in. There’s no clean place to even start quitting from.
Lately, I don’t even have working hours anymore, I just work on the go. If I take a break and I’m not watching a movie, I’m working. I work everywhere. It’s part of why I stopped taking public buses and started booking rides, because it gives me space to think, to type, to respond, to push something forward. Sometimes I even pitch myself to the driver, just to see if there’s an opportunity there.
My brain just doesn’t switch off.
And while it’s interesting, it can also get heavy. Especially when you look around and realize you can’t fully help the same people you’re doing all this for… Family needs things, expectations are there. And you have to put them on a budget. It’s not a bad thing, but it feels different when you’re used to being the one that shows up fully, but these are the sacrifices. If I’m truly going to get us out of survival mode and into something better, then this is part of the process.
That’s the whole point, right?
Now things are starting to get better, but it doesn’t even feel like relief. It feels like I just completed one level and entered another one. And this new level is different. It’s not about building a new system, It’s about testing me.
There was a time the challenge was just figuring things out.
There was another time it was about focusing on one product and not chasing too many things.
But this level… this one is testing everything that makes me who I am.
Discipline, patience, restraint, belief, consistency.
This one is deeper.
I never imagined I would get to a point where my personal account would have less than 50k and I wouldn’t panic. But at the same time, seeing more money in the company account doesn’t even feel like comfort, because it’s already allocated in my head. I am calculating runway, operations, salaries, tools, marketing… and you realize quickly that the work is far from done.
You just have to keep going.
And then there’s the digital nomad decision.
I’ve always known I’m not built to stay in one place for too long. I like my space, yes, but I also get restless. I want to move, explore, build from anywhere. But now that I’m actually close to making that move, it’s hitting differently. It’s not as exciting as it sounds when you really think about it deeply. It’s one of the toughest decisions I’ve had to make recently.
Because the truth is, I personally cannot afford it yet… but the company can.
And that difference alone carries weight.
At the same time, I know I need to break out of this pattern of being overlooked or ghosted just because I’m a Nigerian based in Nigeria. That alone has cost me opportunities. So this move is not just about lifestyle, it’s also strategic.
And somehow, I’ve found a way to approach it.
I remembered a time back in 2018 when I was working on Lagos Island. I was tired almost every single day, but I couldn’t quit. I needed the experience and I needed the money. So instead of fighting it, I looked for ways to enjoy it. I didn’t have unlimited internet then, but the office did, so I used it fully. I liked working on two laptops but only had one, the company gave me another. I found small ways to make the experience better for myself.
That’s the same approach I’m bringing into this level.
This level where I just have to keep working.
The level where discipline is not optional.
The level where I have to respect the system I’ve built and not break it out of impatience.
The level where I don’t chase everything, I just stay locked in.
It’s not easy.
But ọmọ… we go do am.
There ain’t no light inside the tunnel, It’s all dark. But I’m going to try and mold myself a candle, something small, something steady, just enough to see the path ahead so I don’t lose focus.
But that’s if I can even find the wax.