📌 Personal Journal Disclaimer
This is a personal reflection published under Pax Trail.
You may read and resonate with it, but please do not republish, quote, reference, or analyze this content publicly without written permission from the author, Thosyn Pax.
This space is a digital journal, not a media or content outlet.
To be frank, one major thing I do my best to avoid is idleness. Because of that, I’ve had to let go of my avoidance of routines, even though, if you remember, I don’t like daily routines. I still try to change things from time to time, though. The moment I get tired of doing the same thing over and over, I switch it up and try to spice it a bit.
On some days, especially this December, when I’m not working or when I take a short break, I try to watch a few movies. But while doing that, I find myself pausing to check Instagram, then Twitter, sometimes even LinkedIn. (WhatsApp, on the other hand, is starting to give me anxiety, and maybe it’s high time I do something about that.)
One thing I’ve noticed during these moments of scrolling through social media apps I was actually trying to deactivate, is how much time I spend on them. Thankfully, the Nothing Focus feature helps me track exactly how much time goes into each app.
A few days ago, I had to question this form of idleness. It feels like a weakness for me, because when I’m idle, I become vulnerable to things I’ve been trying to avoid. But one thing stood out clearly: loneliness.
That made me ask myself whether I wanted to start dating again. The answer was no. Because even in relationships, I tend to talk to only one person, which is the person I am dating, which honestly isn’t healthy mentally.
What I eventually realized was that I wasn’t craving romance, I was craving conversation. All I needed to do was open WhatsApp, call a friend, or send a message to start a conversation. But I didn’t do it.
While writing this journal, a call came in, and as usual, I ignored it, although it wasn’t the kind of call I was expecting.
For me, the only way out is either to reach out to a friend or go back to work. Anything outside these two options pulls me back into social media, and I end up doom-scrolling again.
(The call just came in again… I’m honestly not picking it.) These are the kinds of calls that come during festive periods to ask for something 😂😂😂 so yeah, not answering.
That said, I’ll end this writing here, message a few friends just to say hello, and then go back to watching Stranger Things.