📌 Personal Journal Disclaimer
This is a personal reflection published under Pax Trail.
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Recently, my view of relationships and marriage has changed drastically. At first, I felt I was still very much hurt from my previous breakup. But as each day passes, I keep withdrawing from wanting to go into a relationship. Lately, I feel like I am building a wall around my mind. I can’t really explain it. Heck, I don’t want to. And at the moment, uncles and aunts around me feel I am lonely; in my mind, I was like, “y’all have no idea. I’m living my best life.”
All I can say is I still feel love, I still crave love. But where there will be chaos, I am willing to walk away, so why start? Of course, you can’t get peace without chaos, they say. But for me, I am choosing to stay within what I can control. It feels a lot better.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not badmouthing marriage. In fact, I crossed paths with a high school crush recently. We spoke briefly for a while, stopped talking, and now we are back to talking again, and it’s like every day. I figured she must have seen one short review I posted on my IG story a week before (who knows). We’ve been talking every day; we are even sharing reels now (REEL-ationship 🤣 🤣 🤣). Some of those reels are kind of couples-and-their-kids stories, funny actually, and our conversations are starting to seem like we be talking about marriage. And immediately, that got to me; I began to pull out little by little.
What got me more troubled was, she one time asked me about my view on marriage, and I honestly told her, no doubt… I made her understand that I have about 12 fears about marriage, perhaps maybe that would make her stop talking to me, you know? But we still keep talking. I am afraid she might be thinking I would change or something like that. Even if there would be a change, I don’t think it’s gonna be this early. Because 2026 is going to be all about Pax, through and through. I used 2025 to break lots of habits, lots of it. 2026 is going to be about spending more time with myself, learning, growing, getting closer to God, and exploring lots of places, yeah! I made a list. Not really dope though, so if you have some really cool places, I would love it if you can share.
Okay, back to our gist. I like her, no lies, and if at all I would consider marriage, she’s going to be the person I would love to spend the rest of my life with. But right now, naaah… And I don’t want to lead her on, so yeah, it’s either I keep my distance or I tell her my stand so she can make plans for herself. I don’t know what or how she feels about me; that’s why it’s hard to tell exactly. But what I will not do is lead her on. Marriage is beautiful, but the thought of it scares the hell out of me 😂 😂 😂 niceeeeee.
I’ve got an interesting and sad gist about this. So, some months ago, my spiritual father was trying to matchmake me with a lady. Well, she’s pretty, although not my type, but then if I was still the same loverman, I wouldn’t have minded. He kept talking about her; to my surprise, the lady already knew, and it felt like she was fully interested and waiting for me. Sadly, I disappointed her. I had to let her know my stand on this and made her understand that I am not really interested in dating for now. Well, the conversation ended in a quiet way, you know that kind of sad disappointment mood. A few days after, she reached out on WhatsApp to ask me my reasons for being that way about marriage. I felt inside of me that if I approached the question like someone who needs help, she might feel like I still want her regardless, so I told her to give me the benefits of marriage. And sadly (yeah, I said sadly because I have always loved me a beautiful family), I gave her loads of reasons why her listed benefits didn’t cut it.
It felt funny, but when I thought about it later that night, I realised I have completely changed… which feels sad. I don’t hate marriage, I just don’t see its benefits anymore, and if I try to think about it and maybe consider it, all I see are fears. To daydream about it, in fact, feels scary… Maybe I need help or maybe not. But for now, I will live life this way and see what the universe has in store for me.
That would be all for now.
Ire ooo