📌 Personal Journal Disclaimer
This is a personal reflection published under Pax Trail.
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A friend did a high school love story series, and I had to watch it. Well, I am not a fan of movies like that, but I had to watch this because of her. And right there, I had a whole bunch of feelings. Feelings of regret, this isn’t about love, actually. It’s more of living and fulfilment, living to one’s fullest potential.
I really wish to relive my high school years. It felt like 6years of a waste. Like I never lived up to my fullest potential. I hid when I was supposed to be seen, quiet when I ought to speak, timid when I was supposed to be courageous, stagnant when I was supposed to be better than the best, caving in when I was supposed to live in the moment, hiding behind the shadows of my closest friends and lived like a book without history. I felt like I had never really lived, except for the years between 2015 and 2017 at the Polytechnic. I felt myself living my fullest potential. Living like I was on the top of the world, stepping out, stepping up. Right now, I am still living. But right now feels like high school all over again. Caving in when I should step out, following when I am supposed to lead.
Or should I talk about the love and feelings? (Disappointing) I had a crush on a particular girl at the time. From JS2, we saw each other every year until SS1, when a friend was going to ask her out. He wrote a letter, and I foolishly volunteered to deliver the letter. Hahahahaha… Don’t blame me, I was really innocent and dumb. Brave for my friends, a coward for myself. Of course, you shouldn’t expect too much maturity from a timid teenager, but a key lesson is bravery. I mean, how can I be brave for my friends and not push myself towards little things like talking to a crush 😂😂 the most terrifying part was how well I help lots of my friends craft love messages and poems, and they share with their crush, and I couldn’t do any of those for myself. Well, they had no idea because I buried it all inside of me and lived in denial.
PS: I started this journal with a teary-eyed eye, but now I am laughing out loud. Making fun of myself 😂😂 I mean, it’s me now… C’mon.. It’s me now.
I also remembered cases where I had to Google so many things, like what to say, what to respond with, and a whole lot more.
PS: Okay, I am not going to deny it anymore. I have ADHD as a kid (did I say had? Well, I am still in that cycle. So I am basically an ADHD patient). The worst part is that I didn’t find out until years later. I took several tests online to help identify symptoms and signs. Then went for a proper test later. And the awkward fact was that I didn’t question my life in high school until recently; I have always avoided it. It all feels like I might have lived like that due to the illness.
The scary part…
Years after high school, I still have nightmares about life in high school, some good and some terrifying. And during the day, when I am all alone reflecting, and I remember one of those dreams, I try to think about those moments in high school, the buildings, the environments, the friends, and you know what, I get terrified. Thinking about it right now, I feel so fearful. I can’t explain it. It’s a feeling of fear and regret, perhaps. It’s a feeling of living beneath my strength. And wishing I had done things differently.
I might have to visit my high school someday to give myself the peace of mind that I need. If the way I lived in there traumatised me, or I need to be true to myself, and let it all go. But honestly, I really wish I could relive those moments.
Ire ooo